Performance Reviews and the Irony of the Corporate Work Ethic

If you’ve ever worked in a corporate organisation you know what I’m going to say here.

Wait, do you?

Because you may be that dangerous 37% who are so converted you actually enjoy the irony of corporate culture and it’s weapon of choice, the performance review.

If you are, piss off, this article isn’t for you.

If you’re not, please, continue.

Here’s the thing, my whole life I’ve strived to be the kind of person that not only does a good job at work but also likes telling everyone how much of a good job I’ve done. Said no bearable person, ever.

So what’s the deal with the bi-annual performance review that requires you to not only sing your own praises but also write about them and gather enough evidence to support your bs? Who in their right mind goes around saying to people,

Hey, am I any good at stuff? Can you write it down for me? Oh and while you’re at it, cite a couple examples won’t you? Cheers!

The answer? No one. Ok maybe Josh in Sales but we all know what Josh is like.

Honestly though, could the performance review process be any more unnatural? Don’t get me wrong. I am all about self improvement through reflection and feedback but is that what the performance review is about? I don’t think so.

At best, it’s a way to quantify, in a legally binding format, how much of yourself you’ve pushed aside to make room for the Corporate Identity. Ironically a performance review has little to do with the individual’s performance and lots to do with the individual’s performance in making money for the company.

Do I sound like a moronic leftie who thinks money grows on trees and why can’t we all just hug it out? (Could you cite some examples of that please? Thanks!)

It’s not enough that you are hailed as the company bright light or that every senior manager or manager’s manager thinks you’re a gun. Or that your team have now started connecting with each other in a way they hadn’t really experienced before. Or that not only have you drawn to light the pervasive effects of an overbearing Person of Importance (insert your company’s title for Senior Manager, CEO, Customer Outcome Owner, Tech Lead, etc) you’ve also helped them transition from Overbearing to Collaborative. All of that is of little consquence when measured through the eyes of the corporation.

What bugs me the most is that all corporate environments encourage their employees to do their best and they always tie it back to company values which are ultimately rooted in PEOPLE values. What a nice trick eh?

They even spend copious resources (time, money, humans) on inculcating a “company culture” that supports these values. I have to admit, corporates are much better at this than not for profits, the silly saps who “have a dream”. LOLZ!

Mostly I’m upset at how much this process reminds of doing a university assignment. I hated those, and I hate these. It’s like studying for half a year and then cramming all the content into a 3 hours exam that someone has to mark. Let’s hope they’re in a good mood and adequately caffeinated … or should I say numbed?

I hate the performance anxiety doing my performance review creates. Am I this insecure? Really? Thanks for the realisation… I guess.

The other element of my objection to performance reviews is the abject stupidity of it. If I’m shit at my job, fire me (and they will, without hesitation). If you haven’t fired me, I must be doing ok. What is this game we’re playing where we each talk about ourselves and each other so that all your pros can be levelled out with your cons to arrive at an unsuprising estimation of your efforts as “Meets Expectations”.

Honestly the process to collect enough information to be told, you’re doing “OK” is the most frustrating thing about it! I just hope that somewhere this whole charade makes sense and fits into the bottomline of companies because from my view point, I’m not 100% sure on what we’re measuring.

I think I’m also realising how much of my self is lost in the process. My struggles, my wins, my self doubts measured against my ability to handle new and difficult situations. The heart ache you suffer when you develop work place crushes against the backdrop of that annoying guy from accounting becoming your new best friend. Meeting people and learning new things about them even after years of working together. Being able to see your team member finally conquer that thing they’ve been struggling with for some time. Being recognised for lifting someone spirits.

Finding a new coffee place.

While I know there’s no way to measure all that, I just really wish there was a place where we could honour it. Because work is so much more than just a place we go to kill 8 to 9 hours of our days. It’s a place where people interact. It’s a place where our creative energies can be harnessed for a greater good. It’s got to start being a place of purpose, not just a placeholder for numbers.